Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
