paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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