actually, I'm a sock model
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
