Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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