Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
