conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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