"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
