Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
