Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
