I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
