Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
