Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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