She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
