i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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