She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
