new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
