There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
