I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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