there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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