My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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