thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
