I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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