I think I died a long time ago.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
