you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
