Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
