DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I AM VODKA MAN
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
