my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
