I faked an abortion last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize