sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We named our party play list daddy issues
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sorry my hands just texted you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
