the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Soap is not a condiment
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
