I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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