Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
