I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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