I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
