no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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