A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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