If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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