Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
