I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
