so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
