You just made me feel so damn special
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
