it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
