He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
