I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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