Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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