My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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