HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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