I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize