He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize