is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He has the fingertips of a God
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