Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
