Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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