My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
