I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i now understand why vodka
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
