The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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