I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
