I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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