So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
