I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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