That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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